A Place in the Universe

Recently while taking a physics class, I was surprised to learn that we've only known that the Milky Way galaxy is not the entire universe for less than a century.

But I think I've always been fine with a universe that only made sense in the space just beyond my mind. I was raised by a star gazer. And I still feel that that space outside of myself is as legitimate as I am, if not more so.

We don't even really know the exact shape of the universe, but we do know, best estimate, that there are at least one hundred billion galaxies. One hundred billion galaxies with our own galaxy containing at least one hundred billion stars. And there may or may not be a multiverse.

Rules about how we are supposed to live and think and feel and fuck and behave won't change that. In fact nothing we say or do will change that.

And these galaxies, this ordinary matter of which we are made, make up only 4% of the composition of the universe. The rest is dark, unknown, and for now, unknowable.

Understanding this as a real possibility makes me okay with feeling infinitesimal and okay with noticing and cherishing the smallness of others.

And when I write, that's usually all I really want to say. This is where I'm at most of the time, and when I'm not here, I'm just raging and bumbling.

The only thing that has ever really made me feel great is to love and to be loved. That's it. It's not a new concept, and yet when I don't I remember it on a regular basis, I think I'm missing the whole point.

In fact lately I feel like I'm missing the whole point too frequently---outside of my own home. Inside of my house I feel like the whole universe fits cozily tucked in a warm bed inside of my small ranch.

But I do realize that feeling this way means I may be running the risk of turning hermit in my old age. And I also note that my universe, as a universe tends to do, will eventually grow, and I need to grow, and my faith in people needs to grow. Disliking or keeping all that I deem ugly or hard or dangerous away from my children won't help them. They, we, will just have to deal with it and cope.

But I hope that I can try to improve small situations in small ways through love. And I hope that they can, too. I hope they will never fear that space outside of themselves enough to disconnect.

Because you see, I, we, are not going to be connected in this way forever.

And when I meet people I sometimes want to say, You are loved by me, who is very flawed and very small, and I hope that my love for you makes you feel great.